Episode 5: the corps story

Are you done with the struggles of getting an education in Nigeria? You now have your degree, yeah? You can’t wait to post pictures of yourself in khaki and jungle boots, serving the fatherland. Well, this episode is dedicated you. At the end of this page, you will agree with me that small shege awaits you.

Here are some of the secrets you must know before heading to camp. You won’t get them like this anywhere else.

Are you into any kind of drugs?

You probably already know that certain things are prohibited on campgrounds. You bring a spoon, but leave your forks at home. I repeat, do not bring your forks to that place. You do not carry an extension or a pressing iron. You’re not competing for Miss Universe. Rain will beat you. You go see nwiii. This is your new reality.

When I was being searched, the soldier asked if I was into any kind of drugs. I took a while to think. Which kyn complex question be this one?

“No,” I replied.
While going through my bags, he found my prescriptions.

“I thought you said you had no drugs?”

“You asked if I was into any kind of drugs. I didn’t think you meant my medication.”
He peered at me, went through the pills, and handed them back to me. What’s the lesson here?

• It’s better to be careful than sorry.
• Know English o. Make you no go talk say you dey into drugs. I have said my own.
• Search for lists of what is allowed and prohibited in the camp before you pack, unless you want to buy property for the soldiers and officials.

The bigger the flask, the more the food

This was what my friend told me. Being the unrepentant foodie that I am, you bet that I went there with the biggest flask. But even that wasn’t enough. Calm down, make I give you update.

In the kitchen, you’d find different people serving food. Let’s group them into two:

• The mean, grumpy people: These people are in troubled marriages. They left their homes with a sh*tload of frustration to unpack. They will take one look at you and go, “where is this mumu carrying this giant flask to?” They’ll sprinkle the food in one corner of your flask and shoot you those deadly eyes. These are the people to avoid by all means.
• The kind, happy people: These people have healthy sex lives. They are neither starved nor frustrated. You can tell that they get a good orgasm every morning before they leave home, so they naturally want to share this goodness with everyone. They’ll put lots of food for you, and you’d both trade smiles. These are the people we will buy Lamborghini for when we blow.

So you see? It’s not enough that you have a big flask, you also have to study the dynamics of the kitchen. You’re welcome.

Oversized shoes are your best bet at survival

You are asked to bring white rubber shoes along, right? What you may not realize is that those shoes are ropes to hang yourself. You will wear them all day. For a good part of it, you’re doing “pre shun” and “about turn”.

Your feet will beg for mercy. They will feel strangled and on fire. They will beg for an easy death but e no go come. And you will know that it was your village people that manipulated you into registering for the NYSC.

The best thing you can do for your feet is to get oversized shoes. Especially the rubber ones. The jungle boots should be loose as well. Those will actually injure your feet if they’re too tight.

Mammy is the place you do not want to be

The markets in camps like this are called mammy. In there, you will find women and men and children, all dedicated to one thing and one thing alone: to take you back to the trenches.

There’s always the woman roasting bole and fish. There’s the laundry man that wants to overcharge you, as if he’s washing your heavenly garment. There’s the little child telling you a 20 leaves exercise book is ₦200. Flee from temptation, my friend. Flee.

And then, the bars. Na there daughters of Eve go siddon, blinking with their cat eyes, waiting to barb you skin like they did our brother, Samson. Remember your mother’s prayers on your head and run for your dear life. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It’s time for offering. You should encourage the vessel through which God has brought His word to you. I will be back with some more tips. Before then, I would love to see your comments.

_{The Corps Story is Di MadWriter’s recount of his NYSC experience. Just as with most of his writings, you will find humour, life lessons, and fine storytelling woven into these pieces. All parts of this series are published in the blog section of Direwords.}